There was a season in my life where I was dangerously close to being left high up on the proverbial shelf, or so it seemed. I had just finished university, I was serving my country through the NYSC program, and the aunties, uncles, and mothers in my life were working overtime to find me a husband. Because in that era, to be married was more important than to be happy.
Every matchmaking attempt felt like a mission. I have stories for days! And now, when I see young people expressing hesitation about someone they’re “talking to”, that in-between stage of courtship, and others can’t understand why they won’t just settle down with someone seemingly ideal, I get it. I really do. Because behind-the-scenes red flags don’t always show up in a resume.
Let me tell you about a man I met in Abuja during my service year.
He was a businessman and politician, and well into his 40s. I was 23. I met him through a family member, they had worked together and were friends. We had crossed paths a few times, and I never gave it much thought, until he started paying me extra attention.
One day, he mentioned he was heading to the UK and asked if he could get me something. I didn’t fancy him, and he hadn’t formally asked me out, so I politely declined. But he insisted. Eventually, I said he could bring me an Arsenal jersey and some Body Shop body butter, and that I wanted to pay for them. He brushed off my offer to pay and returned with those, plus perfumes and chocolate.
I thanked him and enjoyed the gifts. But that’s when his tone shifted.
He came with full “I am going to marry you” energy. I wasn’t buying it.
Then came the turning point.
I was living with my mum at the time and she was out of town, and he called, saying he was around and wanted to grab food and run some errands. I told him I was with my cousin and planning for a trip the next day. He offered to take both of us out.
We ran into a friend from university during that outing, and the way she looked at him, and how they greeted each other, spoke volumes. There was a past there. One she didn’t want to say out loud.
Then he mentioned needing to go to the bank. It was past banking hours, so I was confused. He chuckled and said something about having account officers on payroll. We pulled up to the bank, and to my surprise, they let him in through a side door. A few minutes later, he came out with bundles of cash. He casually stuffed some in the glove compartment right in front of me, deliberately.
He was peacocking. Flexing. Showing me the kind of life he could offer.
On the ride home, he started trying to convince me to sleep over at his place. I declined, repeatedly. He tried again, even using the excuse that his electricity was stable and mine wasn’t. Still, I didn’t budge.
He had promised to take me to the airport the next morning. He didn’t show up. Didn’t pick up my calls either. I got a taxi and left. I had a job interview in Lagos.
Later, he called to say that if I had slept over, he would have woken up in time to take me. And he would have given me some of the cash. That he could make my life sweet and easy.
That was his apology.
Then he texted, asking for my account number so he could “send me something.”
I never replied.
That day, I made a vow to myself: never again would I accept gifts from men I wasn’t attracted to or genuinely interested in.
Because some gifts come wrapped in expectations. And some “nice gestures” are just subtle manipulations. And when you don’t give in, they show their true colors.
So yes, I understand the skepticism of today’s young women. The ones who can’t quite explain why someone doesn’t feel right. Sometimes it’s not logic, it’s discernment. It’s the gut feeling that something is off, even when the person looks perfect on paper.
And you know what? That instinct is worth listening to.
Have you ever experienced something similar? Drop a comment or share this post with someone who needs a reminder to trust their gut, and say no unapologetically.
